by Jason Morales
peculiar and rarely
an irony of intimacy
our city sync in B
throws & parallels
"No one could tell me what my soul might be:
I sought for God and God eluded me;
I sought my Brother out and found all three"
I made a deal with myself, but I shouldn't have.
Steeling myself mentally, I said I shouldn't have
that extra cookie, that extra drink, that extra pill,
forcing my body and mind to do something until
I wouldn't need to force it anymore, enduring
struggles, a current struggle, conjuring
courage of body and mind to handle what may come,
white-knuckling it through, personally accountable to some-
thing that is hard to do, accomplished by my determination,
grit, grind, pain tolerance, cycles, delayed gratification,
overcoming gumption traps and not giving up.
I had a goal and I thought more about getting up
than getting knocked down, succeeding no matter
what the adversity, achieving this goal no matter
how challenging, trying not to drink beer, but moving
in a forward direction no matter what was proving
more difficult than people said it would be,
to get up and exercise and be authentically me.
I felt I needed to reflect upon a hero who inspires,
like some Indy race car driver or like Wilton Shires,
wildflowers like Venus and Serena, who with sweat, tears,
excitement and propensity for overcoming all fears,
win like Jordan or Kobe, who focus, never thinking twice,
overcoming everything and anything, living sacrifice
and fortitude. I made a deal. I thought these things.
I felt this need, and what? Failure brings
forth pangs of doubt, how quickly my willpowers can
run out sometimes. I disappoint myself, more than
others might realize. Depression can suck all the willpowers
out of life. More like a clown, a goof, like Austin Powers
spying who shags me, my desires, resisting certain
things, run rampant, fooling, tormenting and hurting
me in ways it would take a miracle to get it back,
what I've lost. It makes me think I have very little, due my lack
of self-control concerning food, goals, exercise, puzzles.
But it is then when divinities want, as my cat nuzzles
her soft nose against my arm, holding truth's
container tight, reminding me sincerely of Ruth's
devotion. Putting one foot in front of the other
with forward motion, with all faith in the Great Mother
in whom I ever turn to fill my heart for strength
of self, strength from God's help, strength from family, strength
from my values, strength in doing, I seek this wellspring of
renewing self-love, yes. And I love again, I do. Just love.
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